Scene Police are believers in the utilitarian purpose of gossip: as an escape from thinking about stuff that matters. But truly, in the words of both Paramour and Cro-Mags, it is HARD TIMES. Half the hot goss’ we got this month concerns political violence and bands we love making terrible choices. None of which has been funny to us since Scene Police HQ blocked our dealer numbers from the Scene Police Family Plan.

Desperate for non-heavy gossip, Scene Police even started reading a French Instagram gossip column. We hadn’t heard of hardly anyone on it! We’re pretty sure we got tricked into reading a thousand pages of Fall lyrics, interspersed with the names of former Nickelodeon child stars who suffer from mental illness. Now, not only are we never going to trust anyone named “Bryan,” Scene Police’s phone won’t stop recommending we follow Cat Marnell. (So we did. Love her.)

Anyway, with great evil comes great banality. So, in the words of Shaun Ryder: *extreme Shaun Ryder voice* “Call the cops!”

Or, as Hannah Arendt herself so succinctly put it:

WeeeeOOOOoooooweeeeeOOOOOOOOweeeeeeOOOOOO Scene Police!

Phoebe Flips Bird To Vile Supreme Vultures

Here at Scene Police, we don’t fancy ourselves as Phoebe Bridgers fans of the archetypal “Taylor Swift fans with crumbs in our bed” sort. But only because, historically speaking, we are the crumbs in our bed. Otherwise we’re all in on Ms. Bridgers standom, whether she’s making sad and steely-eyed songs of transcendent grace, calling David Crosby a “bitch” (twice, and counting), or just running down the Potentially Problematic Male Collaborators List and checking every box.

So, while not really gossip even by our expansive use of the term, we were delighted to see her use her Glastonbury platform to call out the Supreme Court from stage, saying "Fuck that shit, fuck America. Like all these irrelevant motherfuckers trying to tell us what to do with our fucking bodies." In this sentiment, she was, in so many words, joined by Lily Allen, Clairo, and Olivia Rodrigo; a veritable constellation of some of contemporary music’s most talented heartbreakers/heartbreakees.

AwoooooooOOOOOOaWOOOOOOOOOOOO! SCENE POLICE!


Reagan’s Ghost Gets Reprieve from “Blow Job Queen” Nancy in Hell, Relevant Briefly in Brooklyn

In local news of the absurd; would-be presidential assassin John Hinckley Jr.—who, after his release, has attempted to reinvent himself as an indie troubadour—had a sold-out show at New York City’s Market Hotel canceled. The storied venue released a statement, we suspect written by owner Todd P., claiming that the cancellation was in order to protect the “community.” The statement bore a striking similarity to the one Todd P. issued back in 2013 in response to calls to cancel a performance by right wing drone-dip/Lisa Carver abuser/sentient paste-pot, Boyd Rice. In that case, there was no cancellation because, back in 2013, before any publicist emails began with “in these dark times,” the underground huffed nuance like it was gasoline, and every day was Sunday in a Blue Law state.

In response to Market Hotel’s statement, the community (“community,” in this case referring to the irony-poisoned gentrifiers who’d bought tickets to the show, as opposed to the venue’s regular clientele) went back to caring about free speech, and painted “Todd P. Loves Reagan” on the venue’s door. At the time of Scene Police publication, it remains unclear to what degree the owners of Market Hotel’s collective loins burn for our 40th President.

Scene Police tries not to judge (lol), but we were never terribly enthusiastic about seeing Neutral Milk Hotel covers from a man who stalked Jodie Foster and killed James Brady. As for our feelings about Hinkley’s attempt on the life of a terrible president and AIDS denying, murderous scumbag… Well, let’s just say that, to paraphrase a recent and nearly-as-terrible president, discussing the not-so-hot-himself John McCain; we don’t give extra credit just for trying.

WeeeeOOOOoooooweeeeeOOOOOOOOweeeeeeOOOOOO Scene Police!

Internet-Addled Youth of America Decides It Digs Bush After All

Call us Sgt. Rockist because, not being up on all the new pop acts that the kids are going gaga for, Scene Police was unfamiliar with the hot new singing sensation “Cate Bush.” We assumed that her pseudonym was a play on Gwen Stefani’s ex-husband, Gavin Bushcaté (in the same way that DJ “Zaytoven” is a play on “Bestöven”), but apparently it’s her real name! And it seems this nü chanteüse is bucking the TikTok trend, telling BBC radio that the popular CCP surveillance app sounds “ridiculous.”

If her current hit single is any indication, she would know! (We can’t remember what the song is called; we’re not great with accents and the sound of the un-autotuned human voice gives us migraines. We think it’s called “Yeah Yeah Yeah Yo,” and is about Karen O.) Not to be mean, we just thought Caty had gotten famous through TikTok and was being ungrateful. But apparently she got famous for living in a castle and having her song on that TV show about 11-year-olds in North Carolina who like the exact same things as 45-year-old men in Brooklyn.

Regardless, Scene Police eagerly await this rising talent’s next viral sensation. Hopefully she’ll do a song about a mischievous and sarcastic cartoon cat who, in a delightful twist, won’t let its owner back inside! Or, better yet, a song about wanting to fuck a Yeti.

WeeeeeOOOOOOweeeeeeOOOOOOOweeeeeOOOOOOOO!!!!! SCENE POLICE!

Big Thief Breaks Bad

In international news; while Big Thief are no stranger to speaking their mind, confronting such matters as fans talking during their opening acts, or demanding the emotional labor of an encore, it seems their greatest heist has proved to be from their own Instagram. The band released a statement about their decision to play Tel Aviv—that was heavily influenced by their 2020 statement about playing Tel Aviv. And they almost got away with it too, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re living in a “Google is free“ society.

Much to their surprise, the carbon copied “All Sides Matter” apologia left everyone unhappy, forcing them to cancel both shows, and leaving their aggrieved fans haunted by the terrifying notion that a popular apolitical folk band may not align with their personal political ideology. Scene Police shudders at how those types might react when the satellite footage of My Morning Jacket’s private “puppy kicking” island comes out.

Aweeeooooooaweeeooooooooaweeeoooooooooo! SCENE POLICE!!!!

Philly Political Punx Sniff at Awry Amyl

Since this month's dossier has been shrouded/shredded in darkness, it is only apt that Philly punx Dark Thoughts scolded Aussie fast machinists (and Scene Police faves) Amyl and the Sniffers for not keeping their cultural boycott motor clean.

Apparently the Sniffers also violated BDS (the boycott in support of Occupied Palestine) by playing a festival, back in January, sponsored by the Australian embassy for the appartheid state of Israel. When the news eventually reached Dark Thoughts, the band (who, to be clear, Scene Police are also very fond of) voiced their displeasure on Instagram.

Ensuing accusations were made, ranging from the reasonable and accurate (violating a cultural boycott of an occupying power was unpunk at best, immoral at worst) to the… less compelling (a meat/potato punk band accusing another meat/potato punk band, with a sound similar enough that few outside the punk-o-sphere would hear any meaningful difference between the two, of being sonically “wack”). Fans/friends/peers/various characters in the Waxahatchee Extended Universe (WEU) all got in on the act, sharing Dark Thoughts’ outrage in terms reserved for the most serious of offenses (someone called Sniffers “poseurs”).

Scene Police, as a partially Jewish and wholly Leftist gossip organization, supports inter-and intra-scene callouts. And, despite not currently owning any apartment buildings in the Kensington neighborhood, Scene Police supports the Philadelphia independent music community. In the end, Sniffer singer Amy Taylor posted an apology on her own Instagram Story. Some of the outraged realized that they were going to have to also be mad at Turnstile (who played Israel in 2017), which would bring on the total hassle of hating a band that they didn’t already hate. Subsequently, the whole shebang went the way of all punk controversy; it was filed away, to be brought up later when the offending band is back in town and someone you don’t like agrees to open. Sometimes moral art must, as noted BDS violator Nick Cave once said, “Crawl over 50 good pussies just to get one fat boy’s asshole.”

Or, as Scene Police says, “Wooooowooooowooooowoooooowooooo! Scene Police!”

Finally, Furry

Finally, apparently the power pop sensation, Car Seat Headrest, came out as a furry. Scene Police have no jokes about this. Good for you, Mr. Headrest. Get on up, Big Bird.

SCENE POLICE!!!! SCENE POLICE!!!! SCENE POLICE!!! SCENE POLICE!!!!!