WHAT CAN A POE BOY DO?
You may not know this but, I’m holding Led Zeppelin (sic) for ransom. They’re writing a song about my raven friend. If you ever want to see them alive again, leave $200,000 and 50 pounds of bird seed at the corner of First and Main under a Hare Krishna Santa Claus in the city of Hogwash, Texas.
But seriously folks, you think I’m dead. I am sorta, but, I had myself cloned before I died, and secretly I’ve been writing lyrics for the Ramones. I think your magazine sucks for one reason, well, not really your magazine but the pug-nuts doughnut hole eater with Pepto Bismol breath and .015 IQ. He must have been fucked up when he wrote the review and only gave Cheap Trick a B+, because Cheap Trick is a hell of slot better than the butt-licked light socket fucker who wrote the review. If there’s anybody there who like my creepy stories and weird poems, and Ramones lyrics I am residing at P.O. Box 409 Rathdrum, Idaho. I appreciate donations. I am sending of a picture of my fifth cloned self. Had a little trouble with the jerk offs who took the picture when I just got out of the shower, and their smart ass humor about the aborigine bubble gum cards.
Edgar Allen Poe
P.S. If you want a transcript of my famous novel “Obscene Phone Calls for Tongue Tied Twits,” Write the above address.
P.P.S. I think your magazine is pretty cool and to get better readers and circulation you should put dirty pictures in it and have it be a cross between Mad and Playboy.
P.P.P.S. My sister wrote this letter because right now I’m smoking watermelon rinds and I’m completely out of it. Just like all times Eh? (Morphine than a barrel of Mickey Dolenz.-Ed.)