MAIL - 50th Anniversary Part II

JUNE 1973
TOTALLY COWED

Dear CREEM:
I heard a rumor that Boy Howdy was U.S.D.A. rejected.
Cary Baker
Chicago, III.

JULY 1973
BEEFHEART WAS RIGHT: THE TELEPHONE DESTROYED ESP

Dear CREEM:
Did you know that people in San Francisco don’t have to talk to each other, because they already know what they’re going to say?
Mark Lysher
Brooklyn Park, Md.

AUGUST 1973
ALICE’S RUNAWAY

Dear CREEM:
I’m a 15 year old girl and I live in Newport, Rhode Island. Alice Cooper is coming down here to do a concert in Providence, R.I. and my sister won’t take me and my friends. Of course my friends are going to take the bus and I got to sit on my ass home cuz my asshole parents won’t let me take the bus. They seem to think that I’m 2 years old and that I can’t take care of myself. Well I’ve just about had it with their shit. I’m leaving. I never had the guts to leave before but I can’t wait now. I was gonna stay in school and be a somebody. (So they say.) But now I’ll become a bum. I don’t care anymore. Besides how old do they think half the kids are that go to his concert? A good percent of them are my age even some younger than me. How the hell do they think all these kids get to the concerts? I’m sure the hell they don’t all get rides. Maybe they think I’m gonna get raped or something. I hope the hell I do and get them off my ass! They think they’re so god dam smart. I’d like to kick them both right in the ass. This concert meant so much to me. And I’m so fuckin’ pissed off it ain’t funny. Do you have any suggestions on what I should do:
Debbie Narse
Newport, R.I.
P.S. Alice Cooper: I love ya! And I’ll get to your concert if I have to bust my ass! (Lester Bangs said he’d give you a ride. - Ed.)

SEPTEMBER 1973
JEALOUS?

Dear CREEM:
While reading your July issue, I realized what a bunch of crap this whole Rock & Roll set up is. It’s just as much a farce as anything else. Who CARES, for God sakes, what Marc Bolan’s philosophy of life is or what Lou Reed has to say about music or what Alice Cooper wore to some ego trip party’! Don’t you think it’s kind of futile to try and base a whole magazine on that kind of stuff? Van Morrison and Taj Mahal are the only legitimate musicians in the field. So what’s the need of messing around with all these other schmucks? One more thing - tell your hip readers to keep sending in those funny letters. They’re really getting inventive with their fellatio jokes,
Extremely sincerely,
The Creature front 20,000 Fathoms
Texas

NOVEMBER 1973
AT YOUR SERVICE

Dear CREEM:
I was wondering if you could help me with this trouble I’m having with pronunciation. Is David Bowie pronounced Bowie as on Boner, Bowie as in Bowel, or Bowie as in Boob? Your help in this matter will be greatly appreciated. (Incidentally, CREEM is one hell of magazine!!)
K.A.J.
Butte, Montana
(As in Bozo. - Ed.)

DECEMBER 1973
MASCULINE ARROGANCE BLOWS

Dear CREEM:
I love the 4 Seasons. I don’t think rock ‘n’ roll needs “masculine arrogance.” Why be snide about them? I always sigh when I hear “Candy Girl” and “Marlena.” You call them “featherweights.” They’re heavyweights to me.
And by the way, what’s wrong with a man singing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”? Can’t a man want to be friends for a long time instead of just for a night, too? Can’t you look at the song as at least partly meaning that?
Bye Bye,
Jonathan Richman
Hollywood, Calif.
(Mr. Richman is lead singer for the Modern Lovers, a new band of some notoriety. - Ed.)

FEBRUARY 1975
MAYBE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
IGGY IS NOT DANDY

Dear CREEM:
I am a bit pissed off because you constantly neglect the greatest performer/vocalist to ever grab a mike. The man is the founder of Raunch. Of course by now you realize I mean Iggy Pop. Black Oak Arkansas lays this bullshit about being the finest raunch band on earth. Well I think someone should send those assholes Raw Power and also tell Jim Dandy to take his balls out of his mouth so you can understand what’s he’s regurgitating into the mike (That is, if you actually want to.). There are lots of imposters but there is only one Iggy. Please get off your dead ass and write something about “King Stooge.”
Peter Criss
Port Huron, Mich.
P.S. Where’s James Williamson?
(The last we heard Williamson was working with Zal Yanovsky in a band called Rogue ‘n’ Rheostats in Toronto. Sounds like he’s still available, if the price is right, for some Kiss session work. Our advice: Ask Bob Ezrin, Peter—Ed

MAY 1975
HAIR RAZING

Dear CREEM:
Is it true that Jim Dandy really stuffs? Also, is that a hairpiece he wears on his chest? The rumor is going strong these days that Jim as a child was dropped on his throat and that’s why he sings so good(‘?).
Have you noticed the misprint on Grand Funk’s new album? It should say “All the Girls in the World Don’t Care!” Well, we gotta go now and get us some pucks at White Castle, used to go to Elliot’s in Lyons but they don’t give away moose turds no more.
Hugs and kisses,
Chrissy and Patty
Cicero and Chicago
P.S. Do you know where we can buy a hair off of Elton’s chest? Or does he have hair anyplace else he wants to sell?
(He already sold it to Jim Dandy. - Ed.)

MAY 1975
RIPPING OFF ELT’S PELT

Dear CREEM:
Concerning the Profile of Elton John, the hair I bought from (for $7.50) him was supposed to be a pubic hair not from his chest!
Zelda Crump
Newport News, Va.
(Sucker. - Ed.)

JANUARY 1976
JADE THE OBSCURE

Dear CREEM:
I’m pissed off at you guys! All of you! I’ve been reading your mag for about four months now and it is really far out. It’s even better than Ted Nugent, but that’s not why I’m pissed. All this time I’ve been reading CREEM and nobody’s said a fucking word about Ed. You know who I’m talking about. Ed. The guy who has to read all the mail from all the degenerates, homicidal maniacs, and Elton John freaks. And has to come up with something amusing to say to each. And what does he get for it? NOTHING!! Not a damn word of thanks or even a “Go to hell.” There he sits, in his little office, all by himself. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do except read the obscene mail. Every day. We, Ed.. I want you to know that this is one person who appreciates you, who wants you to know that I think you’re doing a helluva good job and to keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
An Ed. fan
Webster Grove, Missouri
(Go away, kid, you bother me. - Ed.)

JULY 1977
FORTUNES TOLD AND ANSWERS QUESTIONED

Dear CREEM:
Please answer the following questions:
1. My brother insists that the main difference between Circus writers and CREEM writers is that Circus use the phrase “avant garde” when they can’t categorize something. Is this true?
2. Is Emerson, Lake & Palmer dead?
3. Does John Denver have glaucoma?
4. Does Billy Altman write the Christgau Consumer Guide?
5. Does Gene Simmons have a false tongue?
6. What really causes the “Greasies’?
7. Is Johnny Rotten really all that rotten?
8. Am I probably going to lose your readers interest at about this time? (If so, the next one will grab ‘em.)
9. Amongst the staff of CREEM, who has the sexiest legs?

Sincerely,
Scott S.
Cairo, IL
(1. Absolutely. We believe that writers should avoid using words they cannot smell. 2. Don’t you wish? 3. Ditto. 4. No, he just corrects the spelling errors. 5. Nah, but his shoes wear dentures. 6. Too many Big Macs 7. Yes. 8. More than likely. )That’s at best a rebuttable presumption. 9. Charley Auringer-Ed.)

NOVEMBER 1978
WHAT CAN A POE BOY DO?

You may not know this but, I’m holding Led Zeppelin (sic) for ransom. They’re writing a song about my raven friend. If you ever want to see them alive again, leave $200,000 and 50 pounds of bird seed at the corner of First and Main under a Hare Krishna Santa Claus in the city of Hogwash, Texas.
But seriously folks, you think I’m dead. I am sorta, but, I had myself cloned before I died, and secretly I’ve been writing lyrics for the Ramones. I think your magazine sucks for one reason, well, not really your magazine but the pug-nuts doughnut hole eater with Pepto Bismol breath and .015 IQ. He must have been fucked up when he wrote the review and only gave Cheap Trick a B+, because Cheap Trick is a hell of slot better than the butt-licked light socket fucker who wrote the review. If there’s anybody there who like my creepy stories and weird poems, and Ramones lyrics I am residing at P.O. Box 409 Rathdrum, Idaho. I appreciate donations. I am sending of a picture of my fifth cloned self. Had a little trouble with the jerk offs who took the picture when I just got out of the shower, and their smart ass humor about the aborigine bubble gum cards.
Courtierly yours,
Edgar Allen Poe
P.S. If you want a transcript of my famous novel “Obscene Phone Calls for Tongue Tied Twits,” Write the above address.
P.P.S. I think your magazine is pretty cool and to get better readers and circulation you should put dirty pictures in it and have it be a cross between Mad and Playboy.

P.P.P.S. My sister wrote this letter because right now I’m smoking watermelon rinds and I’m completely out of it. Just like all times Eh?
(Morphine than a barrel of Mickey Dolenz.-Ed.)

August 1978
UP IN SMOKE

DEAR CREEM
What brand of cigarettes does Joan (Darling) Jett smoke? I must know!

Los Angeles, CA
(Loaded.-Ed.)

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